Good morning and TGIF kids! I hope that wherever you are in this crazy rock we call home; you are enjoying yourself to the fullest without alcohol or drugs. Remember, no matter how many times you have fucked up in the past, keep your head up and take it one day at a time.
Yesterday I went to my Thursday AA meeting, and even though I don’t share because of my social anxiety, I find it helpful to identify with those who do share. One thing that I have come to understand by listening to other people’s experiences is, that even though I’m an open minded and easy to get along person, I have to let my guard down and be open to new friendships.
What I’m saying is, that my entire life I have been dealing with trust issues, and that is the reason why I have a small circle of friends. The way that I’m starting to look at life is, that whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. If someone betrays me, fine, all I can do is move on.
Yesterday I had my August session with my shrink Dr. C. and it was a very productive one, because I told him about the sudden bursts of happiness and sudden bursts of sadness that I have been experiencing for a long time, but never realized it until recently. Dr. C went on to tell me, that what I have been experiencing is called “rapid cycling”. I know that many years ago, aside from my OCD, he diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder. But to be honest, my biggest mistake has been that I never wanted to accept his Bipolar II diagnosis. I have always accepted my OCD, but not my Bipolar, and because of that, Bipolar has been affecting my life in a negative way for many, many years.
We talked about different medications that can help me with that, but first he wants me to get blood work done, to make sure that everything is fine. So, this coming Saturday, I’m going to the lab to get it done. Once I get the results, we’ll take it from there. To be honest, I have finally realized that he was right, when he used to tell me that when I drink alcohol, I was self-medicating. I guess I just didn’t want accept what was going on in my crazy and complicated mind.
Today, I am going to be meeting my shrink Dr. C and I will be honest with him and tell him about how even though I am surrounded by people who love and care a lot about me, I drink because I feel empty, sad and alone inside. The truth must come out.
I never had a problem with daily drinking, because I only drink on the weekends, as a matter of fact, I can go months without drinking with no problem at all. But most of the times, when I do decide to drink, I binge for days. So, because of that reason, I have been wondering if during those times that I don’t drink, I am sober, abstinent or alcohol-free. I mean, don’t get me wrong, whatever it is, as long as I’m not drinking, I’m happy with it. That’s what really matters.
OK kids, even though I have never been a very religious person, for years now, I’ve been feeling as if something has been missing in my life. I have been trying to figure it out like crazy, and the only explanation that I could come up with is, that I am missing a higher power. So yesterday, I went to church for the first time in years, and I really enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, I’m planning on going back on a regular basis.
The way that I look at it is, that by working with my shrink, getting out of my comfort zone no matter how uncomfortable it might feel sometimes, attending 2 AA meetings a week, going to church once a week and keeping myself busy with other things, I don’t need alcohol in my life.
As I mentioned on yesterday’s super boring post, I got out of my comfort zone and drove about an hour to a casino in Pennsylvania with my wife, her mother, her stepfather and two friends.
I have to say, that even though I’m not into gambling, getting away from the every weekend routine, really helped me keep my crazy mind away from my weekend binge drinking. As a matter of fact, after the trip, I got home so tired, that I fell asleep as soon as my body hit the bed. So there you have it, a busy mind keeps the alcohol away.
OK kids, I am happy to say, that today I have been alcohol for 12 days and I feel fucking great! Specially because I don’t have to deal with hangovers and all the other shits that come with them. I know that it hasn’t been that long, but something is better than nothing.
On another note. Even though I do not gamble, today I am driving my wife, her mother and a friend to a casino in Connecticut. You see, I believe that getting out of my comfort zone, is particularly important for me, in order to stay alcohol-free. I must do things that keep my mind busy, especially during the weekends, since I am a weekend binge drinker. The thing is, that I cannot be afraid to experience new things in life. I know that from time to time, the road ahead is not going to be an easy one, but if I believe in myself and with the support of family and friends, I will make it.