It doesn’t matter what your drug of choice is, if you are using something else only because it is not, then what you are trying to do is change the way that you feel. You see, the problem is not your drug of choice, it’s what’s inside of you.
I am happy to report, that today is my 10th alcohol-free day and I feel fucking great! Aside from that, yesterday I saw a longtime friend of mine, who has been struggling with alcoholism for many years. The thing about him is that unlike me who can go months without drinking, he can only stop for a few days and then all bets are off.
I’ve seen him a couple of times this week, he looked drunk, and he told me that he has been drinking for days none stop. When I asked him how many days has it been? He didn’t remember. When I saw him yesterday, he told me that he was coming from an alcoholism program, but on his way home, he stopped to buy some beers, because he couldn’t help it, as a matter of fact, he showed them to me in a plastic bag. He also mentioned that because of his drinking, he hasn’t been eating, which I understood, because when I go on a bender, is the same thing.
The truth is, that yesterday I saw a reflection of myself in him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing myself to him, it’s just that I imagine that I must look something like that when I go on a bender for a few days. I just wished that I knew what to say to him. But how can I help someone, when I can’t help myself?
Even though I’m surrounded by people who love me… I feel alone. Even if I have everything that I need… I feel empty. Even if I have so much to be thankful for… I feel sad. You see, sometimes it gets so overwhelming… and that is why sometimes I go on a bender, to fill the emptiness and stop the pain inside of me.
I am happy to say, that even though I am a weekend binge drinking alcoholic, today is my 7th alcohol free day. WOO-HOO! But not so fast boys, girls and others, when it comes to my depression, today has been a very… very… very fucked up day for me and even then, I had to work, because the bills will not pay themselves. To be honest, there were a few times I felt like drinking, but that is not the answer. But hey! What the fuck? I take my crazy meds every day, I still have my bad days. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink Dr. C, I just hope that it is a better day.
Yesterday during one of my smoke break from work, I saw a long time friend of mine, who has struggled with alcoholism for many years. He wasn’t drinking at the time, but he did mentioned that he fell off the wagon again. I told him that it’s OK, that he just needs to try harder and work with his doctors to stop drinking. I also added, that I too fell off the wagon and that the last time that I drank was last Wednesday March 31 and that I try to look for activities that keep my crazy mind busy. But on my way to get breakfast this morning, I saw him again and he told me that he fucked up once again. He was drunk as hell and I could see it. I told him that everybody fucks up and that once he stops drinking, he needs to try harder to stay sober.
Some people might think, that only because I’ve been on crazy meds for the last 16 years and I don’t blog much about my OCD, everything must be A OK… but it’s not. Every fucking day, I worry about my wife, daughter, son or dog dying. I try to keep my mind busy to stop the thoughts, but that’s also fucking stressing and demanding. I’ll tell you, when it comes to my OCD, there are good days, bad days and worst days. But those were the cards that I was dealt with when I came into this rock we call earth.
I know that nobody actually gives a shit or a flying fuck, but I haven’t posted anything in this here crazy and boring blog of mine in almost 2 months. Why? Because I know that nobody really gives a flying fuck what I post anyway. But even after all is said and done, I’m happy to say that today is my 4th alcohol free day and that I’m working on getting some shits in my life together. Other than that, I’m still alive.