Even though I’m surrounded by people who love me… I feel alone. Even if I have everything that I need… I feel empty. Even if I have so much to be thankful for… I feel sad. You see, sometimes it gets so overwhelming… and that is why sometimes I go on a bender, to fill the emptiness and stop the pain inside of me.
I am happy to say, that even though I am a weekend binge drinking alcoholic, today is my 7th alcohol free day. WOO-HOO! But not so fast boys, girls and others, when it comes to my depression, today has been a very… very… very fucked up day for me and even then, I had to work, because the bills will not pay themselves. To be honest, there were a few times I felt like drinking, but that is not the answer. But hey! What the fuck? I take my crazy meds every day, I still have my bad days. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink Dr. C, I just hope that it is a better day.
Some people might think, that only because I’ve been on crazy meds for the last 16 years and I don’t blog much about my OCD, everything must be A OK… but it’s not. Every fucking day, I worry about my wife, daughter, son or dog dying. I try to keep my mind busy to stop the thoughts, but that’s also fucking stressing and demanding. I’ll tell you, when it comes to my OCD, there are good days, bad days and worst days. But those were the cards that I was dealt with when I came into this rock we call earth.
Next month is going to be one year since I started working remotely. At first, I enjoyed it a lot, because the weather was warm and I could go out for my smoke breaks, see friends and clear my mind. But once the dreaded autumn and winter started, everything went downhill for me, because even when I’m not working, I have to stay home doing shit. After a while, everything becomes fucking boring, TV, music, news, streaming services and social media alike. It’s just fucking crazy.
Usually, I drink a large cup of coffee with milk in the morning in order to keep awake while I work, but when that doesn’t work, I drink from 1 to 2 energy drinks, as a matter of fact, the higher the caffeine content the better. But as we all know, too much of a good thing is bad, so I decided to try and keep away from energy drinks as much as I can, because it doesn’t help with my anxiety either. Right now, I haven’t had one in four days and to be honest, it seems to me that my anxiety is getting better.
With that said, I’m Audi 5000 y’all!
Yesterday I had my monthly virtual session with my shrink Dr. C and to be honest, he wasn’t disappointed with my on and off weekend drinking, because I’m not letting it get out of control like I usually do with my weekend binge drinking.
Other than that, we talked about the challenges that I’ve been facing while working from home since mid March, my OCD intrusive thoughts, my Bipolar II racing thoughts, depression and mania. I told him that I’ve been feeling pretty good, but that I take the mania over the depression any time, because I’m full of energy and I get a lot of things done. He laughed and told me that most people say the same thing. There was no change to my crazy meds, which are Prozac 80mg, Lithium 300mg and Ambien 10mg. The next time I’ll see him, will be in February. WOO-HOO!
After a three day weekend, today I’m back to the salt mines and yes I’m still working from home until July 1, 2021. After I finish at the salt mines, I have my monthly session with my shrink Dr. C which I really enjoy, because I get a lot of crazy shit out of my head and feel better afterwards. Other than that, I don’t have any other plan.