Yesterday I had my August session with my shrink Dr. C. and it was a very productive one, because I told him about the sudden bursts of happiness and sudden bursts of sadness that I have been experiencing for a long time, but never realized it until recently. Dr. C went on to tell me, that what I have been experiencing is called “rapid cycling”. I know that many years ago, aside from my OCD, he diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder. But to be honest, my biggest mistake has been that I never wanted to accept his Bipolar II diagnosis. I have always accepted my OCD, but not my Bipolar, and because of that, Bipolar has been affecting my life in a negative way for many, many years.
We talked about different medications that can help me with that, but first he wants me to get blood work done, to make sure that everything is fine. So, this coming Saturday, I’m going to the lab to get it done. Once I get the results, we’ll take it from there. To be honest, I have finally realized that he was right, when he used to tell me that when I drink alcohol, I was self-medicating. I guess I just didn’t want accept what was going on in my crazy and complicated mind.
Today, I am going to be meeting my shrink Dr. C and I will be honest with him and tell him about how even though I am surrounded by people who love and care a lot about me, I drink because I feel empty, sad and alone inside. The truth must come out.
I never had a problem with daily drinking, because I only drink on the weekends, as a matter of fact, I can go months without drinking with no problem at all. But most of the times, when I do decide to drink, I binge for days. So, because of that reason, I have been wondering if during those times that I don’t drink, I am sober, abstinent or alcohol-free. I mean, don’t get me wrong, whatever it is, as long as I’m not drinking, I’m happy with it. That’s what really matters.
As I mentioned on yesterday’s super boring post, I got out of my comfort zone and drove about an hour to a casino in Pennsylvania with my wife, her mother, her stepfather and two friends.
I have to say, that even though I’m not into gambling, getting away from the every weekend routine, really helped me keep my crazy mind away from my weekend binge drinking. As a matter of fact, after the trip, I got home so tired, that I fell asleep as soon as my body hit the bed. So there you have it, a busy mind keeps the alcohol away.
OK kids, I am happy to say, that today I have been alcohol for 12 days and I feel fucking great! Specially because I don’t have to deal with hangovers and all the other shits that come with them. I know that it hasn’t been that long, but something is better than nothing.
On another note. Even though I do not gamble, today I am driving my wife, her mother and a friend to a casino in Connecticut. You see, I believe that getting out of my comfort zone, is particularly important for me, in order to stay alcohol-free. I must do things that keep my mind busy, especially during the weekends, since I am a weekend binge drinker. The thing is, that I cannot be afraid to experience new things in life. I know that from time to time, the road ahead is not going to be an easy one, but if I believe in myself and with the support of family and friends, I will make it.
Yesterday I went to my second AA meeting in a long ass time, and I have to say, I really enjoyed it, because I’m following my shrink’s advice, that since I suffer from social anxiety, I don’t have to share, but just listen. I guess the hardest part about going to meetings is, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, even though I feel uncomfortable at first.
Good morning and happy Thursday kids, I hope that wherever you are in this crazy rock we call planet earth, you are enjoying your day.
As for me? I am happy to report that today I have been sober for 10 days… Yep, that’s right, 10 motherfucking days… WOO-HOO! Next week, I have an appointment with my shrink Dr. C and to be honest with you, I’m really going to start working with him on the internal issues that I have been dealing with, since I was a kid, like feeling lonely and not loving myself. It is crazy, but during the past week, I had many family members, friends and others, come to me to tell me how much they love me, how much they care about me and that they know that I can beat this shit. There is so much love around me, it is just fucking incredible.