Tired Like A Motherfucker

Today I haven’t had any alcohol in 45 days and I’m loving it. But one thing that I have noticed is, that since I haven’t been drinking, I’m taking responsibility of things that I was neglecting while drunk.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all good, it’s just that most of the time I’m way too busy and tired to even dedicate time to my hobby or even get some alone time.

I’m Still Not Drinking

Good afternoon and happy Monday kids! Well at least it is for me, since it’s Labor Day and I’m off from the salt mines.


As for me? I am happy to say, that today I have been without drinking for one month and eight days and I feel fucking great. One thing about this time around is, that it hasn’t been as hard as the other times. I’m not going to lie, there has been a couple of times, when I wanted to have a couple of beers, and that includes today, but if I don’t keep entertaining them stupid thoughts, they go away the same way they came in.

With that said, I’m Audi 5000 y’all!

34 Days Without Drinking

Good morning and happy hump day kids! I am happy to announce that today I have been without drinking for one month and three days and I feel fucking great. The truth is, that this time around has been easier than before, because I have been keeping myself extra busy. But even after all was said and done, I did experience some stinking thinking, but I never gave in. Since I am a weekend binge drinker, I take it one weekend at a time. 

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all! 

Mentally Trapped

Good morning and happy hump day kids! I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest and always remember, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let no asshole fuck it up for you no matter what goes down.

Yesterday, after the video session with my shrink, I started to think that maybe, just maybe, my mood swing roller-coaster has to do with the fact, that I have been working from home since mid-March. The way that I am looking at it is, that I am not used to being home 24/7 and because of that, I feel the way that I feel.

I believe that what I need to do is to take breaks and go out for walks, so I won’t feel trapped in my own home. As a matter of fact, I am planning on starting my new routine today and that is the reason why I wrote this post while sitting in a park bench across the street from home. I really must learn how to let go and enjoy myself, because life is not just family and work, is more than that. The funny thing is, that my wife has always given me my space, but I have never took advantage of it. NOT ANY MORE!

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Understanding My Mood Swing Triggers

Lately I have cut down on the amount of news I consume every day, because I have noticed how the negative stories affect my mood. I always keep in mind, that a long time ago my shrink told me to watch the news, but not to overdose on it. Another thing that I have noticed about my mood swings is, that they are also triggered by negative past events. So, when I realize that I’m thinking about things that happened in the past, which I can’t change, I try to change my focus to now, the present.

I have to say, that because I never wanted to accept my bipolar diagnosis, the illness has really fucked up my life. But now that I have finally come to terms with it, I have been able to start to understand what some of my triggers are and how I can deal with them.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Bipolar Disorder: It Is What It Is

OK kids, I am happy to inform you that today is my 24th day without drinking and I feel fucking great. Staying away from alcohol has been easy for me because I have done it in the past. There have been times when I didn’t drink for three to four months at a time.

The hardest part for me this time around, has been dealing with my bipolar disorder mood swings, which I never recognize in the past. It’s been hard for me because one day I might feel happy, full of life and wanting to do so many things, then the next day I’m depressed, angry, irritated and I feel like shit. During the bad days, I don’t want to talk to nobody, I don’t want nobody to bother me and I just want to be left alone in my own little dark world. As a matter of fact, Monday and Tuesday were two of those fucked up dark days, but yesterday and today, have been good ones.

Last week, after telling my shrink what I have been experiencing lately, we decided that I should try Lithium, because as he put it, what I was experiencing is called rapid cycling. So, I’m just waiting for him to review the lab results I faxed him, so he can send the prescription to my pharmacy. To be honest, a long time ago I told him that ever since he diagnosed me as suffering from bipolar II disorder, I refused to accept it, because I just didn’t feel it or see it. But things have changed, specially in the last couple of weeks. When I look back at my behavior, I can see what being bipolar feels, looks and sounds like, and what I have been putting my wife, daughter and son through without realizing it.

One last thing, my shrink was 100% right, when after being sober for five years, I started weekend binge drinking again and he told me that I was self-medicating. You see, when I’m dealing with my crazy mood swings, in my twisted mind, I’m acting “normal”, because I don’t see what the outside world sees.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Rapid Cycling Bipolar Roller Coaster

Last week I explained to my shrink how for a while now, during the course of one day, I feel depressed, sad, irritated and mad, then I feel happy and full of life. He went on to explain to me, that what I have been experiencing is called rapid cycling Bipolar. The hardest part is how when I’m depressed, I don’t want to talk to nobody and just want to be left alone. But then I get mad at the people around me because they left me alone… Try to figure that one out. Then next thing I know is, that I’m happy to be alive, full of life and smiling like if nothing ever happened.

The truth is, that is has been very fucking confusing and hard, not only for me, but for my family, specially my wife. Last Saturday I had blood work done, because my shrink wants to make sure that everything is OK, before he puts me on a new crazy med, that can help me with my crazy mood swings. Like I told him, I’ll try anything to stop the craziness going on in my mind.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!