Mentally Trapped

Good morning and happy hump day kids! I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest and always remember, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let no asshole fuck it up for you no matter what goes down.

Yesterday, after the video session with my shrink, I started to think that maybe, just maybe, my mood swing roller-coaster has to do with the fact, that I have been working from home since mid-March. The way that I am looking at it is, that I am not used to being home 24/7 and because of that, I feel the way that I feel.

I believe that what I need to do is to take breaks and go out for walks, so I won’t feel trapped in my own home. As a matter of fact, I am planning on starting my new routine today and that is the reason why I wrote this post while sitting in a park bench across the street from home. I really must learn how to let go and enjoy myself, because life is not just family and work, is more than that. The funny thing is, that my wife has always given me my space, but I have never took advantage of it. NOT ANY MORE!

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Moody In The Morning

Good morning and happy Tuesday kids! I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest.

As for me? This morning I was feeling a little moody and shit, but I understand that it goes with the bipolar territory. But I am happy to report, that I am doing way better right now. I am still working from home, but I am taking a vacation day this coming Thursday, in order to take my fury baby to the vet in the morning and see my urologist in the afternoon.

To be honest, sometimes I stop to worry and wonder what could be causing the blood in my urine, but the truth is, that there is nothing that I can do right now, but wait to see the urologist. The nice lady that setup the appointment for me over the phone yesterday, did tell me that if anything changes or gets worst, I should go straight to the emergency room, which I will. As a matter of fact, today has not been as bad as the other days, it is a bit clearer.

Well, today I will see my shrink after work and I will also be going to my Tuesday AA meeting, they both will really help me, by keeping my mind busy, rather than wondering around in bullshit land.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Here It Is, My Morning Urine Sample!

OK kids, just to show you that I’m not a bullshitter like many bloggers are, and since I like to talk with proof, I decided to provide you with a picture of what my urine looked like this morning… YES! That is blood mixed with it!

Saturday morning, when the emergency room doctor asked me what was wrong with me, I showed her a similar bottle, so she could see exactly what I saw that morning. After she got the tests results, she was concerned, but sent me home because I didn’t have any pain or blockage, but advised that I HAVE TO follow up with my primary physician and a urologist, because it could be a number of things, and they need to find out what exactly is going on, so it can be taken care.

Today I put in for a vacation day from the salt mines, in order to see my doctor about the blood in my urine and have her refer me to a urologist, but she was on vacation and the doctor who was supposed to replace her, is out today and might be for the rest of the week.

I Googled a couple of urologists near me but didn’t have any luck to be seen today or within the next few days. I did call a local hospital and the earliest appointment they had was for next Monday August 31, 2020 at 3:30 pm, so I took it.

So right now, since I don’t have any pain at all, just the blood in my urine, I’m just going to try and go on with my life as best as I can. I’m still taking the antibiotics that the ER doctor prescribed me on Saturday, my crazy meds, calcium, multivitamins and drinking a lot of water. Also, as of today The Boss aka my wife of 30+ years… she hates when I call her that though, she put me on a diet because my A1C, cholesterol and other shits were fucking stupid high. She says that she must take good care of me, because I’m worth more to her alive than dead… Yes! She doesn’t have a big sense of humor like I do, but sometimes she throws in a little joke here and there.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Keeping My Crazy Mind Busy

Yesterday, after everything was said and done in the ER about the blood in my urine, I really needed to keep my mind busy, so my OCD wouldn’t kick in and start running crazy thoughts of the worst future scenarios that can happen when I visit the urologist. So, my wife and I went to a family BBQ which we had been invited to prior to my ER visit. But since I couldn’t drink, I enjoyed myself as much as I could by eating, watching others play dominoes and talking with family and friends.

Since I’m facing the unknown right now, the trip really helped by keeping my mind from wondering about the what ifs. I am not going to lie, sometimes I did wonder, but it was not that bad, because I was not alone. Yesterday, I started to take the antibiotics that ER doctor prescribed me, then I have to setup the appointment with the urologist. That is all that I can really do right now because worrying is not going to change anything or help me in any way possible.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Blood In My Urine

Today I went to the emergency room because for the past three days, there have been a lot of blood in my urine, sometimes even with some blood clots. At first, I thought that it was artificial coloring from something I drank or ate. Then I thought that it had to do with the vitamins and calcium that I must take for the rest of my life, because of the sleeve gastrectomy surgery I had eight years ago to lose weight, due to health complications.

So, this morning I was really concerned, because there was still a lot of blood in my urine. They did blood and urine tests but didn’t find any bacteria or anything to be alarmed with. The doctor gave me antibiotics for one week and referred me to a urologist, to try and find out what’s exactly going on.

The doctor also told me to make sure that I drink a lot of water, since I admitted that I don’t drink enough on a regular basis.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Understanding My Mood Swing Triggers

Lately I have cut down on the amount of news I consume every day, because I have noticed how the negative stories affect my mood. I always keep in mind, that a long time ago my shrink told me to watch the news, but not to overdose on it. Another thing that I have noticed about my mood swings is, that they are also triggered by negative past events. So, when I realize that I’m thinking about things that happened in the past, which I can’t change, I try to change my focus to now, the present.

I have to say, that because I never wanted to accept my bipolar diagnosis, the illness has really fucked up my life. But now that I have finally come to terms with it, I have been able to start to understand what some of my triggers are and how I can deal with them.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Bipolar Disorder: It Is What It Is

OK kids, I am happy to inform you that today is my 24th day without drinking and I feel fucking great. Staying away from alcohol has been easy for me because I have done it in the past. There have been times when I didn’t drink for three to four months at a time.

The hardest part for me this time around, has been dealing with my bipolar disorder mood swings, which I never recognize in the past. It’s been hard for me because one day I might feel happy, full of life and wanting to do so many things, then the next day I’m depressed, angry, irritated and I feel like shit. During the bad days, I don’t want to talk to nobody, I don’t want nobody to bother me and I just want to be left alone in my own little dark world. As a matter of fact, Monday and Tuesday were two of those fucked up dark days, but yesterday and today, have been good ones.

Last week, after telling my shrink what I have been experiencing lately, we decided that I should try Lithium, because as he put it, what I was experiencing is called rapid cycling. So, I’m just waiting for him to review the lab results I faxed him, so he can send the prescription to my pharmacy. To be honest, a long time ago I told him that ever since he diagnosed me as suffering from bipolar II disorder, I refused to accept it, because I just didn’t feel it or see it. But things have changed, specially in the last couple of weeks. When I look back at my behavior, I can see what being bipolar feels, looks and sounds like, and what I have been putting my wife, daughter and son through without realizing it.

One last thing, my shrink was 100% right, when after being sober for five years, I started weekend binge drinking again and he told me that I was self-medicating. You see, when I’m dealing with my crazy mood swings, in my twisted mind, I’m acting “normal”, because I don’t see what the outside world sees.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!