I Keep Pushing On

Good morning and happy Saturday kids, I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest.

Today is my 51st day without drinking and not waking up with a fucked up hangover, makes me feel great and happy with what I have accomplished.

I know that it’s a cliche, but since I’m a weekend binge drinker, I’m taking it one weekend at a time. Any given time I have some shit going on in my life, but I can’t let it get to me, because I’m stronger than that. That’s why I keep pushing on!

With that said, I’m Audi 5000 y’all!

34 Days Without Drinking

Good morning and happy hump day kids! I am happy to announce that today I have been without drinking for one month and three days and I feel fucking great. The truth is, that this time around has been easier than before, because I have been keeping myself extra busy. But even after all was said and done, I did experience some stinking thinking, but I never gave in. Since I am a weekend binge drinker, I take it one weekend at a time. 

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all! 

Bipolar Disorder: It Is What It Is

OK kids, I am happy to inform you that today is my 24th day without drinking and I feel fucking great. Staying away from alcohol has been easy for me because I have done it in the past. There have been times when I didn’t drink for three to four months at a time.

The hardest part for me this time around, has been dealing with my bipolar disorder mood swings, which I never recognize in the past. It’s been hard for me because one day I might feel happy, full of life and wanting to do so many things, then the next day I’m depressed, angry, irritated and I feel like shit. During the bad days, I don’t want to talk to nobody, I don’t want nobody to bother me and I just want to be left alone in my own little dark world. As a matter of fact, Monday and Tuesday were two of those fucked up dark days, but yesterday and today, have been good ones.

Last week, after telling my shrink what I have been experiencing lately, we decided that I should try Lithium, because as he put it, what I was experiencing is called rapid cycling. So, I’m just waiting for him to review the lab results I faxed him, so he can send the prescription to my pharmacy. To be honest, a long time ago I told him that ever since he diagnosed me as suffering from bipolar II disorder, I refused to accept it, because I just didn’t feel it or see it. But things have changed, specially in the last couple of weeks. When I look back at my behavior, I can see what being bipolar feels, looks and sounds like, and what I have been putting my wife, daughter and son through without realizing it.

One last thing, my shrink was 100% right, when after being sober for five years, I started weekend binge drinking again and he told me that I was self-medicating. You see, when I’m dealing with my crazy mood swings, in my twisted mind, I’m acting “normal”, because I don’t see what the outside world sees.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Rapid Cycling Bipolar Roller Coaster

Last week I explained to my shrink how for a while now, during the course of one day, I feel depressed, sad, irritated and mad, then I feel happy and full of life. He went on to explain to me, that what I have been experiencing is called rapid cycling Bipolar. The hardest part is how when I’m depressed, I don’t want to talk to nobody and just want to be left alone. But then I get mad at the people around me because they left me alone… Try to figure that one out. Then next thing I know is, that I’m happy to be alive, full of life and smiling like if nothing ever happened.

The truth is, that is has been very fucking confusing and hard, not only for me, but for my family, specially my wife. Last Saturday I had blood work done, because my shrink wants to make sure that everything is OK, before he puts me on a new crazy med, that can help me with my crazy mood swings. Like I told him, I’ll try anything to stop the craziness going on in my mind.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Enjoying Life Without Alcohol

Yesterday I spent most of my day at my wife nephew’s birthday party in New Jersey. No worries kids, even though I was offered beer a couple of times, I did not drink… well, except soda. The reason why I was offered beer was, that most people don’t know that I’m going to AA meetings twice a week. The good thing is, that when I turned them down, they did not kept pushing the issue, like so many people do when they are drinking.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

It’s A Family Thing

Good morning and happy Saturday kids. I hope that wherever you are in this crazy planet we call home; you are enjoying yourself to the fullest.

On a family note! Yesterday I got the bad news, that one of my sisters, who was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery for it about a week ago, had a stroke three days ago and is in the hospital. Based on the latest information I got, she is doing fine, but is not able to walk. Why didn’t her husband notify us right away? Beats the shit out of me. But at least, she is still with us.

My wife and I wanted to visit her, but because of the COVID-19 pandemic, hospitals in New York City, only allow one visitor at a time with each patient, and her husband doesn’t want to leave her side, which is understandable since they’ve been together for over thirty years, have two daughters, two sons, a couple of grand kids and a dog I gave her last year, because she was very depressed after her other dog died.

Right now, since the hospitals here in New York City don’t want to keep patients too long, unless is really necessary, they are making plans to send her home and have a physical therapist visit her, to help her get back to her old self. So as soon as she is back home, my wife and I will visit her.

FYI, including myself, in total we are seven siblings, six older sisters and me. As a matter of fact, from an incredibly young age, I have always said that God has a sense of humor. You don’t believe me?  Check this out! In total, my mother gave birth to nine children, but a pair of twins died at different ages. My point is, that she did not give birth to so many kids because she enjoyed the pain of giving birth, but because all she wanted was to have a boy. Then on her last pregnancy, when she completely gave up on that boy, I came along. Now tell me that shit is not crazy!

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Dealing With My Trust Issues

Good morning and TGIF kids! I hope that wherever you are in this crazy rock we call home; you are enjoying yourself to the fullest without alcohol or drugs. Remember, no matter how many times you have fucked up in the past, keep your head up and take it one day at a time.

Yesterday I went to my Thursday AA meeting, and even though I don’t share because of my social anxiety, I find it helpful to identify with those who do share. One thing that I have come to understand by listening to other people’s experiences is, that even though I’m an open minded and easy to get along person, I have to let my guard down and be open to new friendships.

What I’m saying is, that my entire life I have been dealing with trust issues, and that is the reason why I have a small circle of friends. The way that I’m starting to look at life is, that whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. If someone betrays me, fine, all I can do is move on.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!