Understanding My Mood Swing Triggers

Lately I have cut down on the amount of news I consume every day, because I have noticed how the negative stories affect my mood. I always keep in mind, that a long time ago my shrink told me to watch the news, but not to overdose on it. Another thing that I have noticed about my mood swings is, that they are also triggered by negative past events. So, when I realize that I’m thinking about things that happened in the past, which I can’t change, I try to change my focus to now, the present.

I have to say, that because I never wanted to accept my bipolar diagnosis, the illness has really fucked up my life. But now that I have finally come to terms with it, I have been able to start to understand what some of my triggers are and how I can deal with them.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Rapid Cycling Bipolar Roller Coaster

Last week I explained to my shrink how for a while now, during the course of one day, I feel depressed, sad, irritated and mad, then I feel happy and full of life. He went on to explain to me, that what I have been experiencing is called rapid cycling Bipolar. The hardest part is how when I’m depressed, I don’t want to talk to nobody and just want to be left alone. But then I get mad at the people around me because they left me alone… Try to figure that one out. Then next thing I know is, that I’m happy to be alive, full of life and smiling like if nothing ever happened.

The truth is, that is has been very fucking confusing and hard, not only for me, but for my family, specially my wife. Last Saturday I had blood work done, because my shrink wants to make sure that everything is OK, before he puts me on a new crazy med, that can help me with my crazy mood swings. Like I told him, I’ll try anything to stop the craziness going on in my mind.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Enjoying Life Without Alcohol

Yesterday I spent most of my day at my wife nephew’s birthday party in New Jersey. No worries kids, even though I was offered beer a couple of times, I did not drink… well, except soda. The reason why I was offered beer was, that most people don’t know that I’m going to AA meetings twice a week. The good thing is, that when I turned them down, they did not kept pushing the issue, like so many people do when they are drinking.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

It’s A Family Thing

Good morning and happy Saturday kids. I hope that wherever you are in this crazy planet we call home; you are enjoying yourself to the fullest.

On a family note! Yesterday I got the bad news, that one of my sisters, who was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery for it about a week ago, had a stroke three days ago and is in the hospital. Based on the latest information I got, she is doing fine, but is not able to walk. Why didn’t her husband notify us right away? Beats the shit out of me. But at least, she is still with us.

My wife and I wanted to visit her, but because of the COVID-19 pandemic, hospitals in New York City, only allow one visitor at a time with each patient, and her husband doesn’t want to leave her side, which is understandable since they’ve been together for over thirty years, have two daughters, two sons, a couple of grand kids and a dog I gave her last year, because she was very depressed after her other dog died.

Right now, since the hospitals here in New York City don’t want to keep patients too long, unless is really necessary, they are making plans to send her home and have a physical therapist visit her, to help her get back to her old self. So as soon as she is back home, my wife and I will visit her.

FYI, including myself, in total we are seven siblings, six older sisters and me. As a matter of fact, from an incredibly young age, I have always said that God has a sense of humor. You don’t believe me?  Check this out! In total, my mother gave birth to nine children, but a pair of twins died at different ages. My point is, that she did not give birth to so many kids because she enjoyed the pain of giving birth, but because all she wanted was to have a boy. Then on her last pregnancy, when she completely gave up on that boy, I came along. Now tell me that shit is not crazy!

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Dealing With My Trust Issues

Good morning and TGIF kids! I hope that wherever you are in this crazy rock we call home; you are enjoying yourself to the fullest without alcohol or drugs. Remember, no matter how many times you have fucked up in the past, keep your head up and take it one day at a time.

Yesterday I went to my Thursday AA meeting, and even though I don’t share because of my social anxiety, I find it helpful to identify with those who do share. One thing that I have come to understand by listening to other people’s experiences is, that even though I’m an open minded and easy to get along person, I have to let my guard down and be open to new friendships.

What I’m saying is, that my entire life I have been dealing with trust issues, and that is the reason why I have a small circle of friends. The way that I’m starting to look at life is, that whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. If someone betrays me, fine, all I can do is move on.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Accepting My Bipolar

Yesterday I had my August session with my shrink Dr. C. and it was a very productive one, because I told him about the sudden bursts of happiness and sudden bursts of sadness that I have been experiencing for a long time, but never realized it until recently. Dr. C went on to tell me, that what I have been experiencing is called “rapid cycling”. I know that many years ago, aside from my OCD, he diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder. But to be honest, my biggest mistake has been that I never wanted to accept his Bipolar II diagnosis. I have always accepted my OCD, but not my Bipolar, and because of that, Bipolar has been affecting my life in a negative way for many, many years.

We talked about different medications that can help me with that, but first he wants me to get blood work done, to make sure that everything is fine. So, this coming Saturday, I’m going to the lab to get it done. Once I get the results, we’ll take it from there. To be honest, I have finally realized that he was right, when he used to tell me that when I drink alcohol, I was self-medicating. I guess I just didn’t want accept what was going on in my crazy and complicated mind.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Feeling Empty, Sad And Alone

Today, I am going to be meeting my shrink Dr. C and I will be honest with him and tell him about how even though I am surrounded by people who love and care a lot about me, I drink because I feel empty, sad and alone inside. The truth must come out.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!